You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman

So, this evening, I ventured alone (because K had to work) to a Natural Childbirth class. I wanted to go specifically to arm myself with as many birthing options as possible, to learn about the full spectrum of pain management, so that I can feel as prepared as I possibly can be going into the unknown of labor. I had to take a highway that I don't often take, let alone by myself, and get off in an area of town that I was completely unfamiliar with, and I DID IT!!! What a difference from when I first moved out here. But I digress...

So, the class was designed by and scheduled to be taught by a doula who, unfortunately for us, was called to a birth. So we had a substitute teacher, another certified doula, although she doesn't practice anymore, who also is a lactation specialist. And she was pleasant enough, even humorously entertaining at times, and pretty sweet. However, it was clear that she was filling in, as she was zipping through the slides and reading from a syllabus. At one point she even exclaimed as she was looking at a slide, "I don't know what that is! Oh, maybe it is this in here," which is fine, and even endearing, but it made me wonder if we were getting the full deal that we had registered and paid for. And it bothered me that she preferred to use the words "poopy" and "potty" in a squeaky voice, rather than using adult words in adult tones. I'm thinking, here we are talking about pushing a human baby through our body, no need to airbrush anything. There was one point in the class when I got really anxious and really antsy, a little like at the Lamaze class, and I'm not sure if it was an internal emotional reaction, or completely external on account of the room being too toasty and me being really tired. But I caught a second wind. Since I was alone, she pulled me up out of my seat during the physical exercise demonstration portion of class and told me that she was going to be my partner. And we went through some of the exercises designed to help one relax as much as one can during labor. She even asked if I meditate regularly because I was so concentrated on my breathing - that made me feel better (I guess I am a glutton for praise - maybe I'm feeling vulnerable). And I have to say that after the class, the pain of labor and the concept of managing it without medication doesn't seem as foreign and devastating as it did to me before the class. But, as I've said before, I am going to just stay open and see how it all goes, try to stay in the moment, and just go from there.

Lamaze Lament

K and I have just returned from our first Lamaze class and I am sitting here on the couch, eating some Chipotle while K is out walking Brooklyn, and I am crying, not full out sobbing, but welling up!! And I don't even know why! I don't know what in the world it was about the class that has changed my mood so drastically, but I am just a bit of an emotional wreck. The class was fine, a little crowded for the size of the room, which was a little hot and stuffy, but for some reason, I am feeling uptight. We did some exercises and during one, the teacher kept telling me to relax my shoulders, but after doing the show for so long, my shoulders don't really relax all that much, and that made me upset a little. During another exercise, we had to lie down on our backs, not for long since it isn't recommended during pregnancy, but it hurt my back to lie like that, and it was a relaxation exercise, so it was a little hard to relax when I was in pain, but then isn't that the point? My chest is a bit tight these days, so my breaths weren't as deep as they could have been. I don't know, I think I am a bit disappointed in my performance, I think that's what is going on. Which is silly, since K kept telling me afterwards that I did a great job! He was great, totally supportive and reassuring me throughout the class. Maybe the class has made the upcoming delivery all the more real and I am owning up to the fact that I am really anxious about the pain and that I am not even sure that I will be able to keep my composure and state of mind well enough to remember to do all the breaths and relaxation techniques. There is a part of me that just wants to go into the hospital and be taken care of, let them do all the work, just let me know when the baby is here, okay? I know that's not possible or realistic, but the way my brain works, I sometimes feel like the less I know, the better for me, because I will drive myself crazy with "what ifs" and completely unnecessary worry. However, I am going to stick with it, stay positive and strong, it could just be that I am really tired tonight and hormonal. There were two young couples next to us who just kept talking and cracking jokes under their breaths and it was so annoying, High School Musical. But I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to be that older, cranky woman scolding them, nothing wrong with having fun during class, I guess. We'll probably find alternative seating next week. Tune in for next week's class...